Subj: Raggot, the flying gerbil.
'Actual article from the L.A. Times' (Note:This
story is Untrue, and was never published in the L.A.
Times).
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big
mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the
gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski,and his homosexual partner
Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency
treatment after a felching session had gone seriously
wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up into his rectum
and slipped 'raggot', our gerbil, in," he explained.
"As usual, Kiki shouted 'ARMAGEDDON!,' my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he
wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and
struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital
spokesman described what happened next. "The match
ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and
severely burning his face. It also set fire to the
gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger
pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out of the tubing like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower
intestinal tract.
Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story:
10.) "I pushed the cardboard tube up his
rectum..." Ouch!!!
9.) "So I peered into the
tube..."Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd
rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8.) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low
self-esteem) being shot out of that guy's anus like
'Rocky the Flying Squirrel' on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7.) Suffering a broken nose from a grebil being launched
out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously
doubt the said gerbil was spring-time fresh after his
little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.
6.) People walking around with these volcanic-like
pockets of gas in their rectums.
5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what
they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry,
but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of
roving, pyromaniac, anal sex-feinds breakind into my
house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I
admitted the truth. Call me old-fashioned, but I just
can't imagine looking at the doctor and saying,
"Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4.) "First and second degree burns to the
anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and
discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one
ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And
the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3.) People named 'Kiki', which is obviously a Polynesian
word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up
their butts."
2.) What kind of hospital would hold a press conference
on this?
1.) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people
are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image
of the Osmond family.
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